tired. im tired. im so tired.
tiring..this is tiring. can it get any more tiring?
am i finally giving up? has it already been too much for me?
numb so numb
usually the heart says silly but the head says smart
but this time both says...to think for myself.
hurt? you ask me if it'll hurt?
it will...but even through all these months, hurt never spared me.
so what difference will it make?

when you finally realised that you've been thinking that the problem was this but it turns out that the problem don't lie with that...that's when you decide if it's time to finally just...walk away.
true strength is doing the right thing even if you don't want to do it.

i thought i knew you. i really wish i knew you. she wasnt the problem...well may 25% but 100% was another thing.
problem is..i never really knew you. not that i didnt want to, i'd very much wanted to, but you didnt let me.
all along, there was this barrier.you're so afraid of falling..of letting go.
no, i think what you're most afraid of was....what if you become just like me?

i can't allow myself to be in this whirlpool. it's too...rmheoehiormw
idk anymore. i just dont.
spare me the sorrow i deserve something better..yea at least something i truly deserve.
just not this. not anymore.

what is love?

love is God
love is your parents
love is your friends
love is your partner
love....is love.

love is like
a battery for a laptop, a charger for a battery
love is like
a conditioner for hair, a head full of hair for a person
love is like
the book little prince

love is me.
love is me doing milo
love is me cooking
love is me buying coke
love is me doing things i love about you
love is me making time
love is me loving you

you see. love..is unexplainable.
yet...you know its love.

love is getting jealous
love is getting angry
love is sleepless nights
love is crying to sleep
love is being selfish

who popped into your mind as you read this?
your lover.


love is letting go.

redha...
redha atiqa.
whatever happens will happen. all in Allah's hands.
as much as i want some things, it's better that i live w/o them.
accept it, leave it, move on.
know that i've never let anything down.
7months was supposed to be today but sometimes dates turns insignificant though it's still in remembrance.
it hurts a lot. hurts a lot.
when one dont give a single shit no more. like one day they just wake up and you mean 0 to them.
when he doesnt feel guilty or wrong or even bad doing things that hurts.
i think i've had it.
away from my phone. away from twitter. away from instagram.
from whatsapp especially.
i'll be okay again, i've been through this a couple of times already by now. so yup.
im just tired tired tired of giving too much f u c k s
you'll regret it one day one day youre gonna miss me one day you'll realise what you have but it'll be too late
good bye good bye no more no more no more
this is gonna be harder than it already is
3rd parties are a pain in the ass, this is so not me but i think i know what hate is and it aint good but i swear i hope you both will have a very rough and bad life what goes around comes around to you both
i really hate both of you i really hope shit wont ever stop happening in your lives
hah i feel bad whatever
may god forgive me and forgive them for all their....wrong shitty doings

Find a partner who encourages you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back

3 days have passed.
i still miss you.
but i'll get over you. over us.
i'll be happier without you.

atiqa...please stop crying.
i wish i can call someone up because im fucking down.really.
can someone just wake me up.
please wake me up.
tell me. scold me. push me.
please just wake me up.
i dont deserve to be crying over someone who dont give one shit to me.
3AM.
and my face drenched with my tears.
i need to move on. move on. move on.
please someone help me.
i cant do it all alone.
maybe i can. but im so weak and tired.\it's not a joke when one as harboured suicidal thoughts at this time really.
i dont wanna go back there. i dont want to..........
im afraid. im so afraid.
someone please.

i
do
not
want
to
be
how
i
used
to
be.

in life, you're gonna hurt people.
especially people you love.
and if at some point of time, if things never works out after constant tries, you have to give up even if that's the last thing you want to do.
even if it hurts.
even if its painful.
who told you that letting go and giving up is ever easy?
do it, even if it seems like the last thing you wanna do, because it might just be the last...right thing..left to do.

nights.

words.
what are words?
words are just....words. am i not right?
no.
do you realise the power of words?
1 word, 2 words, 3 words.
how...they make up a sentence?

do you realise the power of words?

words. they have the power to cut you so deep.
but words. they also have the power to make you move the fuck on (on the brighter side).

so you're saying i dont walk the talk.
that..i dont do the things i say.
you know...words.. think twice, just remember to think twice.
words can affect you. your life. your future. it's true.
each time i say something, i don't carry it out at all. well, now..you.watch.me.

i did it. but i was weak. my emotions(again) got in the way.
remember how cold i could be? i be that just again.
& im gonna do it...all over again.
& im not gonna let the same thing happen all over again.

do you know what's worse than being labelled as Fucked Up?
"Your Mind Is Fucked Up."
fucked up, screwed, twisted. what else what else my dear.
as if it's new to me even. though it isnt new, it cut me..real deep. and i hope you're contented.

you talk bout ego like you've none at all. People.
They should consider buying more mirrors. To reflect on themselves first before pinpointing others.
Poeple.
They should consider appreciating what they have till it's gone.
Ah fuck it, gonna do more productive things in case some Drag starts yapping away.

timecheck:1:40AM.
go to sleep all of you. let your twisted minds rest.

it's a little too dark here isn't it?
look, look at the waves.
waves after waves after waves of..darkness.
let's brighten it up a bit.
with a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

great song by Florence and the Machine//Dog days are over.

enjoy your Tuesday.
i'll actually recommend to you readers to listen to the live version. got me smiling.

hi.

things are so uncertain..it makes me think. makes me wonder. how do i stop these thoughts?
thoughts
            thoughts
                        thoughts
i might just
drown
in
my
sea
of
thoughts.

what are we. things are so uncertain.
should i stay or should i go.
how do you...make it seem so simple?

these thoughts, it feels bad, feels wrong. how can something...so...complicated..sorrowful and torturing..be the same thing that keeps me...happy. and contented.
doesn't make sense at all does it?

it bothers me that we are nothing but something.
bothers me how we're nothing when there's something.
i hate uncertainty. and if i go, dont be angry, or sad. because i wanna remind you that if you ever come across this(i dont think you ever will), i love you very much. i love you endlessly. i dont think i've loved anyone else as much as i love you. you're so precious K Shah.

this is for you ah girl.

i've been refraining and shutting myself up because i dont see a point in retaliating and shit like that. but girl, i think everyone has their own limits. i've been enduring you for quite some time. you...are too much. i think it makes you happy that im finally retaliating back isnt it? im not mad. or anything. i thought you would actually be mature enough to just shut the fuck up. when my friend talks about you and those childish fucks, i told them to stop. ya in your head now you're prolly saying "i didnt even tell u to stop them so just go ahead" bla bla bullshit. but just get it into your pea brain that im not the kind of person who tells you that i dont hate you but go on about disturbing you and talking about you because im not that low either. and i couldnt care less about your life neither. you're a girl, and i kind of hoped that you actually understand me from my point of view. but oh well, look, i thought wrong. honestly, if you dont like me, why are you still stalking me and all. ok la, i wont flatter myself to think you're stalking me, but it runs somewhere along the line. i dont really bother myself with people like you, but you are really a cunt. please feel ashamed of yourself though i know you wont. im sorry for calling you a cunt right now. may seem childish to everyone that im even retaliating. yup you can ask me back...why do u think it's referring to you? but hey, touch your heart and ask yourself, who you were referring to. come on, im not that stupid either. just stop stooping so low really because i think you're not that low either. and girl, i know you lead a good life, you have good family and yea, your life is prolly real good but not everyone leads a good life just like you. sometimes when people feel like shit, they really do. you dont need a certain age to feel like shit, you know? yea im prolly 18 only but i think i shouldnt feel restricted when it comes to how i feel. and stop assuming that everytime i feel like shit, it's because of boys. sigh. you're shallow minded, but i dont blame you. and i dont hate you. but i hope you grow the fuck up and stop bothering yourself with my life. but who am i to stop you? but thank you still for even taking the time out to read this out. no hate to you. just...try to be a lil less bitchy because you're a nice girl.

hi.
if you're reading this, i should prolly warn you that when you see a new blog post, it's prolly depressing.

so sad today, so sad yesterday, so sad tomorrow. i cant comprehend how i feel. i feel like, im not the girl i actually feel. like, though it's not entirely a facade, i......

i feel shit bout myself. not because im fishing for compliments. or anything of that sort. but because, i genuinely feel that way. i have to come to terms that someone out there is better than me, but i should always be the best for myself. how do i do that.

the people i hope i could count on to be there, and just, assure me, well they're always there for a little while and then they...just annoy me. or agitate me. on purpose. i really dont need this bunch of sick fools. how the fuck can someone make fun or laugh at someone else's...bitterness? havent it ever crossed your mind that i might actually really really feel like a fucking piece of a motherfucking shit? and that the least you can do is to respect how i feel?

im so sick and tired of how vicious humanity has turned into. the compassions gone. the empathy is gone. where's the fucking love? so sick and tired of people like you. really. and they tell me to stay away. but stubborn me, stubborn heart, you never listen do you?

maybe its time.
just maybe.

dont care too much
dont bother too much
dont try too hard
dont overthink
dont dont dont

be happy, Atiqa x

this is the part i feel like shit all over again.
people and feelings, they dont go together that well, do they?
you know how ironic it is when you get so numb....but it hurts.
exactly.
i dont want to have feelings. nor do i wanna give too much of a damn anymore.
because i know what it does to people like me.
we get treated unfairly back. but then again, nothings ever fair, is it?
just remember Allah, Atiqa. Redha redha.
i have to be a stronger person..a better person for myself.
no time to think and trouble myself with all this heartache. if i do, it's just gonna mess me back again once more. i dont wanna go back there, nor do i wanna look back. it'll drown my back in the darkness.
i hate silence. i hate how silence, can be so deafening.
oh now you see the irony, dont you. 

thought i might just share some good music with you readers.

Jack White//Love Is Blindness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWir6wUkPtw
Lana Del Ray//Young & Beautiful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60
Skylar Grey//Dance Without You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb-zeKazZPg

it's the 18th of May 2013.
how's my life, i've been wondering...asking the same thing over and over again.
it's disappointing, it's so sad that i find myself...being lost. like. i do not know what to think anymore.
i just wanna go missing from everyone really.
i've lost faith in matters of the heart. i used to be such a strong believer. i used to believe in hope. it's sad that all those are slowly fading away.

it's depressing how people take my kindness for my weakness. how people actually take it...take me for granted. sometimes i just wanna not be kind anymore. but no, thats just not me.
all this is bullshit. i've other things to look forward to. to prioritise. i dont wanna bother about all these piece of jnjnjskd anymore. i can't take another blow...i cant.

off-ed my phone. deactivated my twitter.
if you're smart enough, if you've been paying a lil bit more attention to me, perhaps you'll find me here. i know you wont i know you wont. you're only gonna miss me for a while. and then, it's back 2 square 1.

ingat allah, Atiqa. Redha Atiqa.

how can i ever thank you enough? you're always there at my worst. always. i left you once but you've never left. thank you. (-:

#positive.

why?
so many questions going through my mind.
why do you have to do that?
why do u have to lie?
who is she?
why couldnt you just reject her?
what am i? what am i?
cant put these thoughts into words. it's all in a mess. it's all in a mess.
i cant stop crying. i just cant.
am i not good enough or do i deserve so much more?

funny how someone who can break you down so much can be the same person who makes you the happiest person earth

i cannot give up on you or on us anymore
how can i even think of letting go someone as precious as you

i love you so much though u kill me over & over again every single day
all i want is to see you happy

<3 k.shah